Every time that I try to think what I want to post, I become uninspired in the same breath. I truly wish I knew what was creatively wrong with me, because to know me is to know that I am only really good at things of a creative nature. Math is not my forte, never really enjoyed it... I was a C chemistry student, and at the time I never really wanted to concentrate on history or other subjects. That's right, my heart was in Art, English and Literature (and of course lunch if you couldn't tell).
Somewhere along the line I did pick up a few I.T. skills and pay my bills under the ruse that I am any good at it... and at the end of the day, I hold my own and I do get the job done.
My heart is in painting and writing though, so why can't I get to a place where I honestly throw myself into the creative side of me? I could claim depression, but people always want to come down on you for that saying you're being dramatic or playing the victim of your life or circumstances. However, the truth remains that I do feel down a lot and sometimes hopeless about my life taking a turn for the good after so much bad has kind of happened in my life, and I can't help it... I'm not trying to stay sad about anything, and I do my best to keep rolling along with people and activities that help keep my mind off of things... a temporary happy-fix I guess you could say.
Those are band aids though, and I know it doesn't fix the root of the problem, I just don't know how else to live my life, and I can't find the inspiration to try and come back with a vengeance. I seem strong, and I think I am pretty strong to a certain extent, but I know I am not living my life to the full potential, and I am not getting any "bucket list" items accomplished... that's for certain.
Something's gotta give, besides me for a change.
Jax
Have you ever tried any form of therapy? You seem to be describing some of the typical "Unhelpful thinking" traist the Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is designed to help with.
ReplyDeleteI can't help seeing some of the parallels in our lives. I ended up getting into IT in my late teens because I could see that computers were going to become quiet important so day soon! If you'd have shown me how it is in reality 30 years later where my phone has many times the processing power of the old mainframe I watched my first punched cards get swollowed by in a programme to bubble sort 20 numbers and that I could just speak into it to get it to find shit from all over the world I'd have probably laughed at you.
I liked IT since - the computer did what you told it - if it didn't you simply logically worked through your code until you found the bit you'd got wrong. Simple. It was black or white, 1 or 0... but... music that had been my true love from when I'd been able to first listen and watch the 45s crash one after the other on the turntable and the Beatles, Elvis and many others burst forth from the speakers. But I decided I'd never be good enough to make it and sat day after day looking at a screen getting computers to do stuff then afterwards getting others to get computers to do stuff. I now just think of the vast majority of it all as futile but still it pays my bills for me