Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Pain in the Ass

Briefly, I just need to agonize about this horrible pain in my hip/leg region. I was doing okay for a little while, then I was forced to go and get into the car to get dog food.

I drove around a bit, then decided the simplest place to go would be Dollar General. Went in, limped around clutching the shopping cart, grabbed the dog food plus a couple other items, and headed up to the register. There were a couple people in front of me in line. I sourly thought to myself, 'If I wasn't in pain, I would be in and out in a flash'.

Checked out, finally, threw the stuff in the trunk, and opened the car door, and began the arduous task of getting into the driver's seat.

This time, when I wedged myself down slowly, holding the steering wheel for support, and sidled into the car, it was so excruciating I thought I was going to cry. I had to sit there for a few minutes, allowing the seat heat to warm, hoping for a bit of soothing relief.

It took several minutes of sitting there, cursing the gods and begging for relief before I was able to drive away and get back to the house, and then it was a struggle to drag all of my junk in, including the bag of dog food. I have two large dogs, so a smaller bag won't last me long, but it was all I could manage at a time.

Oh my God!! When is this pain going to end??? It is really destroying my flow.

Learning to Fly

"Your legs will get heavy and tired. Then comes a moment of feeling
 the wings you've grown, lifting." ~Rumi

I felt the need for a short burst of inspiration today, and when I'm down, Rumi always has a comforting or uplifting word. This post, however is a combination of Rumi and "Just Breathe" (a Facebook page I follow).

Sometimes we continue plodding along out of habit... doing things the way we always have... feeling stuck, heavy, tired. You are not the same person you were last year, or last week, or even yesterday. Each moment is an opportunity for you to make a different choice, to spread your wings and fly a different course.

For today, I remember that I am only stuck if I choose to be and that I have learned more than I realize. For today, I feel the wings I've grown... lifting. <3

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Mo' Better Blues

Some days, all you can do is make it through, and say it with song… This song has been one of my favorites for days. The words just describe some emotions I have, and all I can say is we can control our actions and reactions, but we cannot control our hearts, they tend to know what they want, and they seem to have no mercy.  Anyways, this is to "You", who I will always love, no matter what.

I'll take the blues you give me rather than nothing.


I said: what about my eyes? 
God said: Keep them on the road. 
I said: what about my passion? 
God said: Keep it burning. 
I said: what about my heart? 
God said: Tell me what you hold inside it? 
I said: pain and sorrow? 
He said: ..stay with it. 
The wound is the place where the Light enters you.


Only the soul knows what love is. ~Rumi

Monday, November 26, 2012

Tub of Pity

I'm trying the blogger app on my phone while I soak here in epson salt, feeling rather pitiful and wondering if I will ever walk without pain in my leg. I know it could be worse, and I know I just gave a big speech earlier about gratitude, but I want relief... I'm ready to be pain free again.

Then I started mulling over my disaster of a love life, my failed marriage, my poor choices, unrequited love, and wondered if I will be alone for the rest of my life. I am okay alone, but I prefer companionship... It can't be just any creep who takes a shine to me, I like what I like and can't help that.

I know I need to lose weight, but I am not obsessed with thinking I am bad, ugly, unworthy because I am a big girl, not like I used to be. Though I don't understand why it seems that I am always second, or lose out to someone that I perceive myself a better catch than... why not me? What did I do so wrong that I couldn't be "the one"? 

Then again, maybe I am better alone after all... that way I have nobody to disappoint except myself.


Just for starters, yeah it's a "Monday", and as most people know, I am not a Monday girl

Plus, as you know, everyone is so over Thanksgiving after they are finished being forced to give thanks, well, not forced, but "reminded" to be thankful for everything they do have that one time of year, when instead gratitude should be exercised all through the year, not just the one day we abuse the poor turkeys… but that's what America is founded on, right? Overindulgence, moving in on others' property and taking more than our share, then bitching as if we don't have enough to be thankful for. Rather than stay on that particular soapbox, I will just give a small overview of my holiday (some of this may come off like bitching, but I assure you it is not bitching, unless of course I am bitching then there may be some bitching in the post, but don't worry, those parts are sure to be "Bitchin!!" because I am 200% awesome… no matter what I am doing.

[switching to "third person"]

When we last saw our superhero, she was suffering from issues with the Sciatic nerve, which were being tended to by visits from the Chiropractor. These visits seemed to be helping somewhat, though she is still having to rely heavily on Naproxin, and having bouts of pain in the leg and hip. One might say that the Chiropractor isn't helping much, but our girl is trying to give that a chance. With increased activity, and the adjustments along with proper nutrition, Jax thinks this will knock itself out soon.

Meanwhile, she returned to her village to take time out from saving the world to celebrating Thanksgiving with the family. She made her arrival to her Mother's house on Wednesday night, where she helped prepare, and cooked some, finally contributing one hell of a "German Chocolate pound cake", which she made from scratch thanks to a dear friend's grandmother's recipe.

The holiday was significantly less crowded this year, Mother, all three sisters and one of the brother-in-laws were the only attendees. All the grandchildren, and their families made other, more titillating plans, and regretfully (i'm sure) missed out.

The food was okay, but not like their usual family meal, as Mom has lost all interest in going to much trouble. She ordered one of those made-to-order meals from the local grocery store. She has partly lost interest in most things because she has never really recovered well from losing Dad, and then just a couple months or so back, she was diagnosed with COPD, and has really just not felt up to a lot, and tries not to overdo it.

Ah really, who could blame her?

So, after spending the night, watching "Grease" with Mom, helping cook, clean and having a semi-relaxed dinner with the Sisters, Jax was relieved and surprised by the lack of political confrontation at said dinner. Everyone continued on through the extended weekend, which for Jax was relatively boring, taking pain meds, watching re-runs, and returning to hobble around trying to save the universe.

[switching back to first person]

So now it's back to a regular Monday morning, trying to get things done.

Today began as a rainy day here in the river city, so of course the commute in to work was pitiful as usual, as our infamous "Memphis Drivers" can best be described as "Instant moron, just add water."

Therefore, even though Thanksgiving is over, I am grateful… grateful that I made it in to work on the conveyor belt of idiots that IS our interstate system, and glad just to be… Me (even with all my baggage) Just Jax.

 Video of the week that I adored… so cute!! I love animals.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Sciatica's For "The Birds"

My back is a fickle asshole. I have had lower back issues off and on, yes they come and go, so I once found a chiropractor that I like, and I went. The visits to him helped, as well as staying active and strength training, and the whole 'Sh'bang'.

Well, life happened, routines fall apart as they will, my home situation fell apart, a lot of things happened, so I can only say it's my fault.

So recently, after some minor lower-back irritations, and some possibly bad stretches or contortions, I felt the pull move down into my left hip. This has devastated my comfort and happiness for about a week and a half now, and I have consulted with the good doctor once again, and he is working on the issue. I spent yesterday icing and begging the universe to miraculously make the pain disappear.

While I waited for them to flip the switch on my agony, I worked from home, as well tuned into the good ol' brain-eating television for some entertainment.

When I did, I ran across a movie called "The Girl" starring Sienna Miller as Tippi Hedren (mother of Melanie Griffith & a former Model and Actress), who apparently became the object of unrequited admiration, and allegedly dangerous and creepy obsession by "Hitch" (cinema great, the well-beloved Alfred Hitchcock, played by Toby Jones). The movie was an HBO original, I believe, and it was watchable, mostly because I became very interested in the storyline of this era, and what happened to Ms. Hedren.

As depicted in "The Girl" [see NY Times article in this regard Here], Hedren is the envy of every blonde starlet in Hollywood as she is hand-chosen by the Hitchcocks to play this lead role of 'The Birds', and this would be her very first film as an actress. The movie paints a dark and creepy picture of Hitchcock, as quite a Misogynist, who fancied himself "coaching" Tippi into a great actress utilizing techniques like telling her they would be using mechanical birds, props which would take one day of filming and instead placing her in danger strapped to live birds, for a five-day nightmare film session, wherein she was scratched up and injured, nearly getting clawed in the eye by one of the birds.

Though a mediocre film, at best, it still interested me enough to do a bit more reading about the cinematic pair, as well as a bit about both their lives separately. That in itself is interesting, and Hitchcock himself was quite the strange character. I guess when you look at some of the geniuses of filmmaking, classically they all have their idiosyncrasies and dark passengers. Otherwise, movies through the ages would have been quite bland.

Though I must get back to the task at hand, feel free to give "That Girl" a once over, maybe even go back and revisit some old Hitchcock favorites, I might do the same.

Meanwhile, send me some good vibes for healing this asshole pinched sciatic nerve.

It sucks!

Feels Like the First Time

So I am toying with this idea to begin a new blog. My old blog, which I love and will keep just seems to have stumped me, and I needed a new, fresh place to toss my ideas out there. I'm a random person, so sometimes I have a theme, sometimes I am eloquent, and sometimes I just feel like ranting.

Maybe with the new place, and new atmosphere, I can breathe and begin to enjoy writing again, maybe as with all things, what goes around comes around, and I can enjoy a brand new start.

After all, maybe there is a first time, and a second first time, or limitless first times for everything? Why not, it's all about perception.

Welcome to my world… I'm just Jax.