Hell Ain't a Bad Place to Be

Oftentimes I think about how much I want a changed life, and how little I actually try to make any effort to really change anything that makes me unhappy. So either I feel shackled to everything that binds me and weighs me down, or I actually enjoy Hell...

Who Knows?

Though I am basically fueled by music, it doesn't seem as though I talk much about it or write much about it. Of course my writing has been very scarce lately, that includes the blog, poetry, stories, lyrics etc. I just haven't done well in my creative endeavors for some time now. I am not giving up, I always continue to push forward.

As Furtheron happened to ask me in the comments of my last blog, "Have you tried Therapy....?" --Well, the answer to that is No. I probably could use some therapy, but I can't really afford it, and I am also great at self-analysis and can pretty much tell you all of the things that are wrong with me, so it is not an issue with awareness, I know I'm pretty scrambled and screwed-up, but I'm working on it. (shrugs)

However, I digress... this morning I had to go to work from my Mother's house instead of my own which added an extra 30 minutes to the trip, so I buried myself in music, taking my time, stopping for tea and getting engrossed in some Hendrix... it just felt like a Jimi Hendrix type of day, misty, raining and just bluesy. So I in my electric blues can "Hear my Train a'Comin" all the while I am tilted, on my Axis... Bold as Love... of course I am always Bold as Love, maybe even bolder.... Who Knows?



Who knows - Jimi Hendrix from Giacomo Squaquara on Vimeo.


They don't know,
like I know.
Do you know?
I don't know.
What my baby,
puttin' down.
What my baby,
puttin' down.
I just came back from,
Rockland County.
Just came back in town,
lookin' for my Sally.
Uh, have you seen her?
Have you seen her?
Talkin' 'bout my baby,
talkin' about my baby.
Just came in, just came in babe.
Just came in, just came in.
Spreadin' magic honey, all around,
she's got chains, attached to my head.
Talkin' about, talkin' about,
talkin' about my baby,
I don't know 'bout it.

At a Loss

Every time that I try to think what I want to post, I become uninspired in the same breath. I truly wish I knew what was creatively wrong with me, because to know me is to know that I am only really good at things of a creative nature. Math is not my forte, never really enjoyed it... I was a C chemistry student, and at the time I never really wanted to concentrate on history or other subjects. That's right, my heart was in Art, English and Literature (and of course lunch if you couldn't tell).

Somewhere along the line I did pick up a few I.T. skills and pay my bills under the ruse that I am any good at it... and at the end of the day, I hold my own and I do get the job done.

My heart is in painting and writing though, so why can't I get to a place where I honestly throw myself into the creative side of me? I could claim depression, but people always want to come down on you for that saying you're being dramatic or playing the victim of your life or circumstances. However, the truth remains that I do feel down a lot and sometimes hopeless about my life taking a turn for the good after so  much bad has kind of happened in my life, and I can't help it... I'm not trying to stay sad about anything, and I do my best to keep rolling along with people and activities that help keep my mind off of things... a temporary happy-fix I guess you could say.

Those are band aids though, and I know it doesn't fix the root of the problem, I just don't know how else to live my life, and I can't find the inspiration to try and come back with a vengeance. I seem strong, and I think I am pretty strong to a certain extent, but I know I am not living my life to the full potential, and I am not getting any "bucket list" items accomplished... that's for certain.

Something's gotta give, besides me for a change.

Jax

Miss Communications

I started this fresh blog, back a while of course, thinking that it was going to inspire me to give it a go on blogging with a new-found energy. It just doesn't seem that I can stay consistent. My moods fluctuate so much, depending on what I feel that I'm going through that I skip long periods. I don't want to skip, I mean-I would love to write out every little feeling I have, but sometimes I just feel deflated like "why bother"? I know it helps us to write if only just to get it out even if nobody else reads it but I guess I just used to enjoy the old days when I had at least a bit of an audience... I could at least feel like I was packing a small club :)

Anyways, I have been trying to pep myself up to get some cool things going in the new year, but unfortunately since it flipped over to 2014 I have been sick with an upper respiratory infection slash sinus slash cold or whatever, and mostly lost my voice, and it still has not come back right. It's beginning to frustrate me greatly because I hate not being able to talk, and my voice sounds so bad. I guess it will come back around soon.

Work has been pretty busy, and I just guess I've been in a winter months, feeling-like-hibernating type of funk, and I hope it lifts soon. I've tried to go to the gym and get back moving, get all inspired, but I need a swift kick... it's easy for people to say what works, and what you have to do in order to get motivated to begin projects, regulate your exercise routine, make positive changes in your life, but when it comes down to the wire, it's just easier said than done.

I know I let stupid things get to me, but it's a challenge. I'll get there one day.

In the meantime, bear with me, and anyone out there listening... keep reading, emailing, commenting, I love knowing you're there, and you never know when your words or presence might inspire an old soul who needs any extra spark her tired heart can get.

Lots of love, and an official Happy New Year to you all...

Jax

Christmas Rush

No frills today, just a quick check-in. It has been very hectic around the office and life in general, the holidays (as depressing as they are) happen to be upon us... we're in mid-swing and I just don't have much time to think on my writings. I have fantasies of living in New England or New York somewhere and living a comfortable life as a writer and a painter, every day is my own and I am smiling genuinely, sipping my coffee and feeling that magic in my spirit again that life is good. One of these days, maybe... one of these days. Well, happy holidays to you all... I'll try to write more as soon as the fog lifts.

I'm Alright

So the good news is that I'm feeling some better. I appreciate the comments and notes, they are always helpful and I enjoy reading some of the thoughts and experiences of my friends. So thank you.

Yes, I'm working on it, work in progress, and every day is a winding road with ups and downs and bumps, but the important part is to strive to get back up when we fall, give ourselves a break when we need it, cut ourselves some slack when we don't quite get it right and just know that it's all about the ride and the learning experience.

I don't feel much like a long post so I'll leave it at that for today, and just say... well, I'm alright.

Sour apple

I have truly been one disgruntled sourpuss for the better part of the last week, leading up to the holiday and still up until this current point. 

Truth of the matter is someone's behavior is really getting on my nerves. I had hoped for better. I had foolishly tried to entertain the thought that I somehow matter to this person but I'm not feeling that way at all. I wish this didn't affect my behavior or my mood so much but it does. 

That's really all I have to say today...

I'm trying to pick myself up and get out of this funk and change my thought patterns about it, but so far I am NOT having much luck.

I think I will vegetate in my bed all day and see if I can just recharge or brainwash myself.

This sucks.

Sincerely,

Granny Smith

Thankful

Forcing myself to move today, obligated to go to my Mom's house, wish I were anywhere but here, forcing myself to be grateful and thankful, because I know it's the right thing to do. It's not that I don't have a good heart, it's not that I don't love my mother, it's just that I am tired and my heart is tired.

I wish I could spend Thanksgiving alone in bed watching movies and eating t.v. dinners, if I can't spend it in the arms of someone I love who loves me back, but alas, duty calls.

My life has been spent trying to make everyone else happy I think sometimes... and now I am here, all by myself writing this... only me... Just Jax...

Happy Thanksgiving everyone, take nothing for granted.

Ain't No Way

So far I don't have that many readers, or maybe it's just "commentors" that are lacking. This makes it feel a little more like I am simply writing in my journal.

No matter, I haven't really designated a theme here, just imply that if you're reading my blog you're getting a little glimpse at what trickles through my mind, a little (sometimes) daily whiff of my life and thoughts I suppose. That's all I can really offer right now. I guess I am hoping by casually spouting off "Much Ado About Nothing", I might inspire myself onto bigger and better projects. Can hope.

Last week I gave it to the guys kind of hard with the emotional inquisition, then I got a little busy so I didn't post anything else on the subject, including any personal experiences that may have led me through to that subject in the first place. I am not quite certain how deeply I am willing to go into my experiences, but maybe I can skim the surface on some, or offer a bit of insight... feel free to ask questions back in my comment section if you have something on your mind. I'll try to answer.

My life since my Father's funeral in January of 2009 has left a lot to be desired. It was a tough year simply due to my Mother's depression and grief, which has never honesty improved that much. I guess she survives to exist, or that's how it seems to me. Therefore, I don't enjoy visiting and spending the night down there as much as I used to, which hurts her feelings, further digging the well of guilt.

My "then" husband seemed plenty supportive of the loss and the circumstances at home after Dad's passing, but I will never be quite sure if any of it caused feelings of alienation by me or not, I tried to continue being the best wife that I could, and on the surface, nothing seemed to be crumbling. Then as 2010 rolled on, things just began to fall apart and by that fall, we found ourselves technically "separated", an unwelcome party had come along to help swing the wrecking ball.

The Sex had always been good between us, however intimacy was challenging, I always felt I complained too much about my needs and especially the emotional side that required understanding and extra nurturing. But we honestly never fought that much at all, and even now after all that has happened and after the divorce in spring of 2012, we remain the best of friends. I still feel like he is part of my family, as odd as our relationship may seem to others, given what we went through and put one another through, I offer no apologies for this. It is what makes us happy, how we survive it all.

He even brings his current girlfriend here to the house sometimes on weekends to hang out, go out to eat, ride motorcycles, watch movies, etc. I enjoy it, and I'm always comforted to spend time with the two of them. Like I said, I realize this seems strange and even 'impossible' to some people.

The separation and divorce period had its traumas for me, but I found my own ways to cope and move forward in life. Now there is a "friend" I enjoy spending time with currently, though I am not quite certain where it is going, and I can never be sure where his head is, although I honestly have grown to have strong feelings, but I am afraid to truly express these feelings to him. I feel that he likes me, maybe cares for me, but he has dreams and goals that don't seem to involve me, so I often think I am just a temporary friend whose company he enjoys while it lasts I guess, but as I said I'm never 100% sure.

The inability to express myself leaves me feeling blue a lot, and I don't quite know what to do about that. This is probably one of the biggest reasons I have sought perspectives from the males' experiences and points of view. I just want to gain a little bit better insight into the workings of the male mind, libido, behavior... Why men treat certain situations the way that they do, why they choose certain women, but overlook others, what motivates them to pursue love, or just sex, and I guess basically why men might use/abuse a woman, take her for granted when they find out that she cares for him more than he cares for her... kind of like a wolf zeroing in on a wounded sheep (so-to-speak).

So, I might have posts asking about feelings and behavior from time-to-time, you'll have to forgive me and just do your best to give me a few answers, if you're able, and of course I'll have my normal posts weaved in just the same as always. I'm just really trying to 'let it flow' with this blog, and trying not to hold back and be quite so guarded. Not many people know about this one so far, so maybe I can remain open a bit more.

I wish only for the man I care about to be expressive (good or bad), just keep it real with me, let me know if it is only friendship and nothing more that he can offer me, or if he has some hidden emotion that he is just too afraid to expose for whatever reason. I am not the type of woman to take someone for granted, kick em' while they're down, or hurt someone I care for, so it would be nice for once, to just be appreciated and "chosen" rather than passed over, once again to be deemed 'not enough'. That hurts, no matter what the outcome... and it is entirely true that there 'Ain't No Way for me to Love you, If You won't Let Me.' - Right Aretha??

Strange Birds

You guys are strange birds, yes indeed... you don't like having to talk about your feelings, or talk very much in detail about much of ANYTHING. The less words the better I am learning, and I am trying to learn more about this, and how to act with you guys or, well, communicate better I guess I should say, by getting your slant on some of my questions and thoughts, and as well, by learning to communicate MORE with you men, BY communicating LESS (through words I should say, and more through actions).

This is what I am finding out as I research, read, interact with men, and TRY to get answers to my questions like the last couple of posts... Furtheron, well he's trying, and I evidently don't have any other readers right now, or at least nobody else who wants to chime in, so THANK YOU to FURTHERON for your attempts at satisfying my curiosity and your time in answering.

I think I have given you a little too much to think about and in grand man fashion, you probably need a little break from the thoughts of feelings, and emotional inquisitions.

So I will remark on the two actual strange birds I saw yesterday, and today, and then I will let you go home for the weekend with no homework. :)  That's right, I am a great teacher lol.  As asked, I might instead blog a little about what's sparked my thoughts as of late (as I was kind of requested to do), that is if I have time over the weekend. We'll see.

Anyway, the first bird I saw was yesterday on the way home from work. Dark, rainy and chilly, as I drove, and an OWL of all things flew out into the street and landed. I dodged him, but I was just kind of taken aback by his descent into the rainy street... Not quite sure what that means, was he a messenger? Haha... And today at lunch, sitting quite complacent on the sidewalk next to the Sam's Club was a smaller sized "Falcon". He looked at me as I passed. At least I think it was a falcon, he looked like one anyway, but who knows. I'm no John James Audubon.

Still they were lovely birds.

Have a relaxed, emotion--free weekend guys and gals... Thanksgiving is upon us, so I'm sure I'll be writing out a few gripes as the holidays engulf us.