No matter, I haven't really designated a theme here, just imply that if you're reading my blog you're getting a little glimpse at what trickles through my mind, a little (sometimes) daily whiff of my life and thoughts I suppose. That's all I can really offer right now. I guess I am hoping by casually spouting off "Much Ado About Nothing", I might inspire myself onto bigger and better projects. Can hope.
Last week I gave it to the guys kind of hard with the emotional inquisition, then I got a little busy so I didn't post anything else on the subject, including any personal experiences that may have led me through to that subject in the first place. I am not quite certain how deeply I am willing to go into my experiences, but maybe I can skim the surface on some, or offer a bit of insight... feel free to ask questions back in my comment section if you have something on your mind. I'll try to answer.
My life since my Father's funeral in January of 2009 has left a lot to be desired. It was a tough year simply due to my Mother's depression and grief, which has never honesty improved that much. I guess she survives to exist, or that's how it seems to me. Therefore, I don't enjoy visiting and spending the night down there as much as I used to, which hurts her feelings, further digging the well of guilt.My "then" husband seemed plenty supportive of the loss and the circumstances at home after Dad's passing, but I will never be quite sure if any of it caused feelings of alienation by me or not, I tried to continue being the best wife that I could, and on the surface, nothing seemed to be crumbling. Then as 2010 rolled on, things just began to fall apart and by that fall, we found ourselves technically "separated", an unwelcome party had come along to help swing the wrecking ball.
The Sex had always been good between us, however intimacy was challenging, I always felt I complained too much about my needs and especially the emotional side that required understanding and extra nurturing. But we honestly never fought that much at all, and even now after all that has happened and after the divorce in spring of 2012, we remain the best of friends. I still feel like he is part of my family, as odd as our relationship may seem to others, given what we went through and put one another through, I offer no apologies for this. It is what makes us happy, how we survive it all.
He even brings his current girlfriend here to the house sometimes on weekends to hang out, go out to eat, ride motorcycles, watch movies, etc. I enjoy it, and I'm always comforted to spend time with the two of them. Like I said, I realize this seems strange and even 'impossible' to some people.
The separation and divorce period had its traumas for me, but I found my own ways to cope and move forward in life. Now there is a "friend" I enjoy spending time with currently, though I am not quite certain where it is going, and I can never be sure where his head is, although I honestly have grown to have strong feelings, but I am afraid to truly express these feelings to him. I feel that he likes me, maybe cares for me, but he has dreams and goals that don't seem to involve me, so I often think I am just a temporary friend whose company he enjoys while it lasts I guess, but as I said I'm never 100% sure.
The inability to express myself leaves me feeling blue a lot, and I don't quite know what to do about that. This is probably one of the biggest reasons I have sought perspectives from the males' experiences and points of view. I just want to gain a little bit better insight into the workings of the male mind, libido, behavior... Why men treat certain situations the way that they do, why they choose certain women, but overlook others, what motivates them to pursue love, or just sex, and I guess basically why men might use/abuse a woman, take her for granted when they find out that she cares for him more than he cares for her... kind of like a wolf zeroing in on a wounded sheep (so-to-speak).
So, I might have posts asking about feelings and behavior from time-to-time, you'll have to forgive me and just do your best to give me a few answers, if you're able, and of course I'll have my normal posts weaved in just the same as always. I'm just really trying to 'let it flow' with this blog, and trying not to hold back and be quite so guarded. Not many people know about this one so far, so maybe I can remain open a bit more.
I wish only for the man I care about to be expressive (good or bad), just keep it real with me, let me know if it is only friendship and nothing more that he can offer me, or if he has some hidden emotion that he is just too afraid to expose for whatever reason. I am not the type of woman to take someone for granted, kick em' while they're down, or hurt someone I care for, so it would be nice for once, to just be appreciated and "chosen" rather than passed over, once again to be deemed 'not enough'. That hurts, no matter what the outcome... and it is entirely true that there 'Ain't No Way for me to Love you, If You won't Let Me.' - Right Aretha??
Tough stuff Jax - you have been through the wringer and doesn't sound like you're out the other side yet.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry about your Dad, I know from here and Facebook how much that hurts. You may have seen I recently scanned in and post two pictures of my Dad on Facebook - one when he was a little baby in the 1920s and one just before he died in 1984. Dad died 10 days after my 22nd birthday, he'd just seen my qualify off my college course and get my first full time job. He knew I planned to marry the next year. He never saw that day, my first house, my current home, my kids be born and grow to the lovely adults they are now... next year will be 30 years on and as I type this I'm close to tears. I've spent almost all my adult life hoping to impress someone who's not been here to see any of it.
Why do some men pick a woman over another? Who knows - as you say I've seen terrific relationships (from the outside) disintegrate in moments and then see both those parties indulging in ones that (again from the outside) seem hugely dysfunctional. But you only see 10% at best of any relationship if you're not in it don't you?
Good luck - I'm very happy to be along for the ride here and will continue to read and comment - although I doubt my advice is much flipping use most of the time
Thank you Graham, listening is good too, at least I know someone is out there lol :)
ReplyDeleteYes it's difficult, and I hope the wringer releases me soon.
Any words are always helpful, it's the thought that counts, but if you ever have any thoughts feel free to share them.