Christmas Rush

No frills today, just a quick check-in. It has been very hectic around the office and life in general, the holidays (as depressing as they are) happen to be upon us... we're in mid-swing and I just don't have much time to think on my writings. I have fantasies of living in New England or New York somewhere and living a comfortable life as a writer and a painter, every day is my own and I am smiling genuinely, sipping my coffee and feeling that magic in my spirit again that life is good. One of these days, maybe... one of these days. Well, happy holidays to you all... I'll try to write more as soon as the fog lifts.

I'm Alright

So the good news is that I'm feeling some better. I appreciate the comments and notes, they are always helpful and I enjoy reading some of the thoughts and experiences of my friends. So thank you.

Yes, I'm working on it, work in progress, and every day is a winding road with ups and downs and bumps, but the important part is to strive to get back up when we fall, give ourselves a break when we need it, cut ourselves some slack when we don't quite get it right and just know that it's all about the ride and the learning experience.

I don't feel much like a long post so I'll leave it at that for today, and just say... well, I'm alright.

Sour apple

I have truly been one disgruntled sourpuss for the better part of the last week, leading up to the holiday and still up until this current point. 

Truth of the matter is someone's behavior is really getting on my nerves. I had hoped for better. I had foolishly tried to entertain the thought that I somehow matter to this person but I'm not feeling that way at all. I wish this didn't affect my behavior or my mood so much but it does. 

That's really all I have to say today...

I'm trying to pick myself up and get out of this funk and change my thought patterns about it, but so far I am NOT having much luck.

I think I will vegetate in my bed all day and see if I can just recharge or brainwash myself.

This sucks.

Sincerely,

Granny Smith

Thankful

Forcing myself to move today, obligated to go to my Mom's house, wish I were anywhere but here, forcing myself to be grateful and thankful, because I know it's the right thing to do. It's not that I don't have a good heart, it's not that I don't love my mother, it's just that I am tired and my heart is tired.

I wish I could spend Thanksgiving alone in bed watching movies and eating t.v. dinners, if I can't spend it in the arms of someone I love who loves me back, but alas, duty calls.

My life has been spent trying to make everyone else happy I think sometimes... and now I am here, all by myself writing this... only me... Just Jax...

Happy Thanksgiving everyone, take nothing for granted.

Ain't No Way

So far I don't have that many readers, or maybe it's just "commentors" that are lacking. This makes it feel a little more like I am simply writing in my journal.

No matter, I haven't really designated a theme here, just imply that if you're reading my blog you're getting a little glimpse at what trickles through my mind, a little (sometimes) daily whiff of my life and thoughts I suppose. That's all I can really offer right now. I guess I am hoping by casually spouting off "Much Ado About Nothing", I might inspire myself onto bigger and better projects. Can hope.

Last week I gave it to the guys kind of hard with the emotional inquisition, then I got a little busy so I didn't post anything else on the subject, including any personal experiences that may have led me through to that subject in the first place. I am not quite certain how deeply I am willing to go into my experiences, but maybe I can skim the surface on some, or offer a bit of insight... feel free to ask questions back in my comment section if you have something on your mind. I'll try to answer.

My life since my Father's funeral in January of 2009 has left a lot to be desired. It was a tough year simply due to my Mother's depression and grief, which has never honesty improved that much. I guess she survives to exist, or that's how it seems to me. Therefore, I don't enjoy visiting and spending the night down there as much as I used to, which hurts her feelings, further digging the well of guilt.

My "then" husband seemed plenty supportive of the loss and the circumstances at home after Dad's passing, but I will never be quite sure if any of it caused feelings of alienation by me or not, I tried to continue being the best wife that I could, and on the surface, nothing seemed to be crumbling. Then as 2010 rolled on, things just began to fall apart and by that fall, we found ourselves technically "separated", an unwelcome party had come along to help swing the wrecking ball.

The Sex had always been good between us, however intimacy was challenging, I always felt I complained too much about my needs and especially the emotional side that required understanding and extra nurturing. But we honestly never fought that much at all, and even now after all that has happened and after the divorce in spring of 2012, we remain the best of friends. I still feel like he is part of my family, as odd as our relationship may seem to others, given what we went through and put one another through, I offer no apologies for this. It is what makes us happy, how we survive it all.

He even brings his current girlfriend here to the house sometimes on weekends to hang out, go out to eat, ride motorcycles, watch movies, etc. I enjoy it, and I'm always comforted to spend time with the two of them. Like I said, I realize this seems strange and even 'impossible' to some people.

The separation and divorce period had its traumas for me, but I found my own ways to cope and move forward in life. Now there is a "friend" I enjoy spending time with currently, though I am not quite certain where it is going, and I can never be sure where his head is, although I honestly have grown to have strong feelings, but I am afraid to truly express these feelings to him. I feel that he likes me, maybe cares for me, but he has dreams and goals that don't seem to involve me, so I often think I am just a temporary friend whose company he enjoys while it lasts I guess, but as I said I'm never 100% sure.

The inability to express myself leaves me feeling blue a lot, and I don't quite know what to do about that. This is probably one of the biggest reasons I have sought perspectives from the males' experiences and points of view. I just want to gain a little bit better insight into the workings of the male mind, libido, behavior... Why men treat certain situations the way that they do, why they choose certain women, but overlook others, what motivates them to pursue love, or just sex, and I guess basically why men might use/abuse a woman, take her for granted when they find out that she cares for him more than he cares for her... kind of like a wolf zeroing in on a wounded sheep (so-to-speak).

So, I might have posts asking about feelings and behavior from time-to-time, you'll have to forgive me and just do your best to give me a few answers, if you're able, and of course I'll have my normal posts weaved in just the same as always. I'm just really trying to 'let it flow' with this blog, and trying not to hold back and be quite so guarded. Not many people know about this one so far, so maybe I can remain open a bit more.

I wish only for the man I care about to be expressive (good or bad), just keep it real with me, let me know if it is only friendship and nothing more that he can offer me, or if he has some hidden emotion that he is just too afraid to expose for whatever reason. I am not the type of woman to take someone for granted, kick em' while they're down, or hurt someone I care for, so it would be nice for once, to just be appreciated and "chosen" rather than passed over, once again to be deemed 'not enough'. That hurts, no matter what the outcome... and it is entirely true that there 'Ain't No Way for me to Love you, If You won't Let Me.' - Right Aretha??

Strange Birds

You guys are strange birds, yes indeed... you don't like having to talk about your feelings, or talk very much in detail about much of ANYTHING. The less words the better I am learning, and I am trying to learn more about this, and how to act with you guys or, well, communicate better I guess I should say, by getting your slant on some of my questions and thoughts, and as well, by learning to communicate MORE with you men, BY communicating LESS (through words I should say, and more through actions).

This is what I am finding out as I research, read, interact with men, and TRY to get answers to my questions like the last couple of posts... Furtheron, well he's trying, and I evidently don't have any other readers right now, or at least nobody else who wants to chime in, so THANK YOU to FURTHERON for your attempts at satisfying my curiosity and your time in answering.

I think I have given you a little too much to think about and in grand man fashion, you probably need a little break from the thoughts of feelings, and emotional inquisitions.

So I will remark on the two actual strange birds I saw yesterday, and today, and then I will let you go home for the weekend with no homework. :)  That's right, I am a great teacher lol.  As asked, I might instead blog a little about what's sparked my thoughts as of late (as I was kind of requested to do), that is if I have time over the weekend. We'll see.

Anyway, the first bird I saw was yesterday on the way home from work. Dark, rainy and chilly, as I drove, and an OWL of all things flew out into the street and landed. I dodged him, but I was just kind of taken aback by his descent into the rainy street... Not quite sure what that means, was he a messenger? Haha... And today at lunch, sitting quite complacent on the sidewalk next to the Sam's Club was a smaller sized "Falcon". He looked at me as I passed. At least I think it was a falcon, he looked like one anyway, but who knows. I'm no John James Audubon.

Still they were lovely birds.

Have a relaxed, emotion--free weekend guys and gals... Thanksgiving is upon us, so I'm sure I'll be writing out a few gripes as the holidays engulf us.

Check Yes or No

Today's "Manquery" is fairly simple. I want to know from you guys more about how you deal with your 'feelings', do you even know when you HAVE feelings, and do you share them with the object of affection? Or do you hide your feelings, and why?

Do you have an easy time recognizing if/when a woman has developed feelings for you, or is falling for you (in love with, or whatever you want to call it)?

If you KNOW the woman has feelings for you, how do you treat her? Like crap? With care? Finally let her know you feel the same, or do you push her away because you don't want a relationship... blah blah blah...

How do you know if you do or don't want a relationship, and if you say you don't, is it just that you don't want a relationship 'with her'? (Some women get hurt because you say you don't want a relationship and then you up and marry the next bitch you leave us for).

Finally, any guys reading this willing to tell me HOW can we girls know without asking you guys, if you are falling for / have fallen for / are in love, etc... with US?

Please chime in... Jax

Tell Me Why #2: Who's your "Wifey"?

Piggybacking off what I touched on yesterday, I wanted to dig a little deeper into the subject of what exactly men deem to be "wife material", and what dictates this? What are some things that you as a man consider "deal breakers", meaning if a woman has particular traits, history, experience doing certain things, etc, that you would determine you could not/would not marry her, but elect for a more "old fashioned" or closed minded female who did not truly meet your needs as a partner?

Now, I had commented after a reader's response yesterday:

People do seem inclined by nature to believe that they don't deserve good things and perhaps adhere to the old addage "Too Good to be True"? I think that men say they want those things, and I believe they do, but I think some don't think that a woman who can possess those attributes to be perhaps trustworthy? Like maybe she has been this for too many men, or if I marry her, I cannot trust her? Those things are simply not true.

A lot of women, myself included who are really enthusiastic 'pleasers', wanting to treat their lover very well and give him his heart's desire, well--we can really get hurt sometimes. Just because I am passionate, enthusiastic and talented in the sack does not mean that I would do those things with just anybody, or that once I was with a man I adored that I couldn't be faithful to him... I think those things make me an even better choice for a wife or serious relationship.

Why opt for the cold, but old-fashioned cookie cutter wife, then go cheat for what you really need when you can have it all, and we all deserve the best we can find in another...we just spend a lot of time calling ourselves bastards and believing we are undeserving of good things in this life. Happiness is our birthright.

Why can't we stop labeling people, judging people or worrying about what others think about our life and our choices, and choose someone we are truly happy with?

(Women can chime in as well, for your husband/wife boyfriend/girlfriend, this is an equal opportunity blog and no judgement on sexuality from me... I am a happiness advocate.)

Tell Me Why #1: Lady In The Streets

Why do humans put ourselves through some of the situations we do? Why do we put up with certain behavior from our partners/love interests, etc? Why do some men/women take special people who really treat them well for granted? Life is just full of a lot of "whys" really, I could go on all day I am sure.

 I guess what I am really wanting right at this moment (as random as this may sound), a male's perspective on some things (or a few males, as many as want to comment). I will make this numbered. I'm not sure how many I intend to ask, we'll see how it turns out, one at a time for the male mind tho:

When a man likes a woman who is a 'lady in the streets, hoe in the sheets', we take that as a given that he loves a sexy, classy, presentable woman in public and a woman who goes wild and sexy JUST FOR HIM in the bedroom. Now, my question is, when you get that woman, who SHOULD BE everything you said you wanted, why is she not good relationship material? Instead men seem to throw her into the "Friend with Benefits" or "Fuck Buddy" category, and then go off and find some haint of a woman who is troublesome, loves to cause drama, is overly jealous, clingy, gives him hell and treats him like shit, he gives her the ring and takes her home to mama. What gives? 

Please enlighten me as well as other women who would be wondering.

Monday Bug

Don't you just hate it when you fall asleep, take a HARD afternoon nap, so hard in fact that you wake up unsure what time or day it is? It happened to me yesterday. I was watching t.v., tired from the non-quality sleep I had gotten the previous two nights, and I woke up at 6:30, thinking "Oh, crap I gotta get moving, I'm gonna be late for work." Then my mind said, 'No, Jax it is Sunday!!', and I said, "Oh!!! Sunday morning, cool, I still have the entire day." and my mind replied, 'No, Jax it's 6:30 p.m., Sunday evening. WTF is wrong with you??'  I just sighed and said, "I'm not sure, but okay then... at least I still have some weekend left."

So I sat up, cleared my head, and prepared for my usual Sunday evening of watching "The Walking Dead" (or whichever other show is actively in season, kind of a tradition) with a friend of mine. All day long, I had thought about going to see "The Best Man Holiday". I looked up the times and locations at least 3-4 times throughout the day, and just couldn't find it worthy of my energy to gather myself together and go... I do go and take myself to a movie every once in a while, just on my own because it's peaceful, and it also keeps me comfortable spending time with myself, a thing I have made important in my life now.

So instead, my friend and I watched our show(s), had a nice visit and then I probably got back into bed about 2 a.m., which led up to the ACTUAL and official 'Monday morning' that I woke up Sunday afternoon in apprehension of, and decided to Let It Be... :)

No matter, we can all drink a case of the Mondays, although bitter in taste, and still be sober I think. Besides if I can't get everything done on Monday, I have seven other days in the week to get it all finished, right?