Thankful

Forcing myself to move today, obligated to go to my Mom's house, wish I were anywhere but here, forcing myself to be grateful and thankful, because I know it's the right thing to do. It's not that I don't have a good heart, it's not that I don't love my mother, it's just that I am tired and my heart is tired.

I wish I could spend Thanksgiving alone in bed watching movies and eating t.v. dinners, if I can't spend it in the arms of someone I love who loves me back, but alas, duty calls.

My life has been spent trying to make everyone else happy I think sometimes... and now I am here, all by myself writing this... only me... Just Jax...

Happy Thanksgiving everyone, take nothing for granted.

Ain't No Way

So far I don't have that many readers, or maybe it's just "commentors" that are lacking. This makes it feel a little more like I am simply writing in my journal.

No matter, I haven't really designated a theme here, just imply that if you're reading my blog you're getting a little glimpse at what trickles through my mind, a little (sometimes) daily whiff of my life and thoughts I suppose. That's all I can really offer right now. I guess I am hoping by casually spouting off "Much Ado About Nothing", I might inspire myself onto bigger and better projects. Can hope.

Last week I gave it to the guys kind of hard with the emotional inquisition, then I got a little busy so I didn't post anything else on the subject, including any personal experiences that may have led me through to that subject in the first place. I am not quite certain how deeply I am willing to go into my experiences, but maybe I can skim the surface on some, or offer a bit of insight... feel free to ask questions back in my comment section if you have something on your mind. I'll try to answer.

My life since my Father's funeral in January of 2009 has left a lot to be desired. It was a tough year simply due to my Mother's depression and grief, which has never honesty improved that much. I guess she survives to exist, or that's how it seems to me. Therefore, I don't enjoy visiting and spending the night down there as much as I used to, which hurts her feelings, further digging the well of guilt.

My "then" husband seemed plenty supportive of the loss and the circumstances at home after Dad's passing, but I will never be quite sure if any of it caused feelings of alienation by me or not, I tried to continue being the best wife that I could, and on the surface, nothing seemed to be crumbling. Then as 2010 rolled on, things just began to fall apart and by that fall, we found ourselves technically "separated", an unwelcome party had come along to help swing the wrecking ball.

The Sex had always been good between us, however intimacy was challenging, I always felt I complained too much about my needs and especially the emotional side that required understanding and extra nurturing. But we honestly never fought that much at all, and even now after all that has happened and after the divorce in spring of 2012, we remain the best of friends. I still feel like he is part of my family, as odd as our relationship may seem to others, given what we went through and put one another through, I offer no apologies for this. It is what makes us happy, how we survive it all.

He even brings his current girlfriend here to the house sometimes on weekends to hang out, go out to eat, ride motorcycles, watch movies, etc. I enjoy it, and I'm always comforted to spend time with the two of them. Like I said, I realize this seems strange and even 'impossible' to some people.

The separation and divorce period had its traumas for me, but I found my own ways to cope and move forward in life. Now there is a "friend" I enjoy spending time with currently, though I am not quite certain where it is going, and I can never be sure where his head is, although I honestly have grown to have strong feelings, but I am afraid to truly express these feelings to him. I feel that he likes me, maybe cares for me, but he has dreams and goals that don't seem to involve me, so I often think I am just a temporary friend whose company he enjoys while it lasts I guess, but as I said I'm never 100% sure.

The inability to express myself leaves me feeling blue a lot, and I don't quite know what to do about that. This is probably one of the biggest reasons I have sought perspectives from the males' experiences and points of view. I just want to gain a little bit better insight into the workings of the male mind, libido, behavior... Why men treat certain situations the way that they do, why they choose certain women, but overlook others, what motivates them to pursue love, or just sex, and I guess basically why men might use/abuse a woman, take her for granted when they find out that she cares for him more than he cares for her... kind of like a wolf zeroing in on a wounded sheep (so-to-speak).

So, I might have posts asking about feelings and behavior from time-to-time, you'll have to forgive me and just do your best to give me a few answers, if you're able, and of course I'll have my normal posts weaved in just the same as always. I'm just really trying to 'let it flow' with this blog, and trying not to hold back and be quite so guarded. Not many people know about this one so far, so maybe I can remain open a bit more.

I wish only for the man I care about to be expressive (good or bad), just keep it real with me, let me know if it is only friendship and nothing more that he can offer me, or if he has some hidden emotion that he is just too afraid to expose for whatever reason. I am not the type of woman to take someone for granted, kick em' while they're down, or hurt someone I care for, so it would be nice for once, to just be appreciated and "chosen" rather than passed over, once again to be deemed 'not enough'. That hurts, no matter what the outcome... and it is entirely true that there 'Ain't No Way for me to Love you, If You won't Let Me.' - Right Aretha??

Strange Birds

You guys are strange birds, yes indeed... you don't like having to talk about your feelings, or talk very much in detail about much of ANYTHING. The less words the better I am learning, and I am trying to learn more about this, and how to act with you guys or, well, communicate better I guess I should say, by getting your slant on some of my questions and thoughts, and as well, by learning to communicate MORE with you men, BY communicating LESS (through words I should say, and more through actions).

This is what I am finding out as I research, read, interact with men, and TRY to get answers to my questions like the last couple of posts... Furtheron, well he's trying, and I evidently don't have any other readers right now, or at least nobody else who wants to chime in, so THANK YOU to FURTHERON for your attempts at satisfying my curiosity and your time in answering.

I think I have given you a little too much to think about and in grand man fashion, you probably need a little break from the thoughts of feelings, and emotional inquisitions.

So I will remark on the two actual strange birds I saw yesterday, and today, and then I will let you go home for the weekend with no homework. :)  That's right, I am a great teacher lol.  As asked, I might instead blog a little about what's sparked my thoughts as of late (as I was kind of requested to do), that is if I have time over the weekend. We'll see.

Anyway, the first bird I saw was yesterday on the way home from work. Dark, rainy and chilly, as I drove, and an OWL of all things flew out into the street and landed. I dodged him, but I was just kind of taken aback by his descent into the rainy street... Not quite sure what that means, was he a messenger? Haha... And today at lunch, sitting quite complacent on the sidewalk next to the Sam's Club was a smaller sized "Falcon". He looked at me as I passed. At least I think it was a falcon, he looked like one anyway, but who knows. I'm no John James Audubon.

Still they were lovely birds.

Have a relaxed, emotion--free weekend guys and gals... Thanksgiving is upon us, so I'm sure I'll be writing out a few gripes as the holidays engulf us.

Check Yes or No

Today's "Manquery" is fairly simple. I want to know from you guys more about how you deal with your 'feelings', do you even know when you HAVE feelings, and do you share them with the object of affection? Or do you hide your feelings, and why?

Do you have an easy time recognizing if/when a woman has developed feelings for you, or is falling for you (in love with, or whatever you want to call it)?

If you KNOW the woman has feelings for you, how do you treat her? Like crap? With care? Finally let her know you feel the same, or do you push her away because you don't want a relationship... blah blah blah...

How do you know if you do or don't want a relationship, and if you say you don't, is it just that you don't want a relationship 'with her'? (Some women get hurt because you say you don't want a relationship and then you up and marry the next bitch you leave us for).

Finally, any guys reading this willing to tell me HOW can we girls know without asking you guys, if you are falling for / have fallen for / are in love, etc... with US?

Please chime in... Jax

Tell Me Why #2: Who's your "Wifey"?

Piggybacking off what I touched on yesterday, I wanted to dig a little deeper into the subject of what exactly men deem to be "wife material", and what dictates this? What are some things that you as a man consider "deal breakers", meaning if a woman has particular traits, history, experience doing certain things, etc, that you would determine you could not/would not marry her, but elect for a more "old fashioned" or closed minded female who did not truly meet your needs as a partner?

Now, I had commented after a reader's response yesterday:

People do seem inclined by nature to believe that they don't deserve good things and perhaps adhere to the old addage "Too Good to be True"? I think that men say they want those things, and I believe they do, but I think some don't think that a woman who can possess those attributes to be perhaps trustworthy? Like maybe she has been this for too many men, or if I marry her, I cannot trust her? Those things are simply not true.

A lot of women, myself included who are really enthusiastic 'pleasers', wanting to treat their lover very well and give him his heart's desire, well--we can really get hurt sometimes. Just because I am passionate, enthusiastic and talented in the sack does not mean that I would do those things with just anybody, or that once I was with a man I adored that I couldn't be faithful to him... I think those things make me an even better choice for a wife or serious relationship.

Why opt for the cold, but old-fashioned cookie cutter wife, then go cheat for what you really need when you can have it all, and we all deserve the best we can find in another...we just spend a lot of time calling ourselves bastards and believing we are undeserving of good things in this life. Happiness is our birthright.

Why can't we stop labeling people, judging people or worrying about what others think about our life and our choices, and choose someone we are truly happy with?

(Women can chime in as well, for your husband/wife boyfriend/girlfriend, this is an equal opportunity blog and no judgement on sexuality from me... I am a happiness advocate.)

Tell Me Why #1: Lady In The Streets

Why do humans put ourselves through some of the situations we do? Why do we put up with certain behavior from our partners/love interests, etc? Why do some men/women take special people who really treat them well for granted? Life is just full of a lot of "whys" really, I could go on all day I am sure.

 I guess what I am really wanting right at this moment (as random as this may sound), a male's perspective on some things (or a few males, as many as want to comment). I will make this numbered. I'm not sure how many I intend to ask, we'll see how it turns out, one at a time for the male mind tho:

When a man likes a woman who is a 'lady in the streets, hoe in the sheets', we take that as a given that he loves a sexy, classy, presentable woman in public and a woman who goes wild and sexy JUST FOR HIM in the bedroom. Now, my question is, when you get that woman, who SHOULD BE everything you said you wanted, why is she not good relationship material? Instead men seem to throw her into the "Friend with Benefits" or "Fuck Buddy" category, and then go off and find some haint of a woman who is troublesome, loves to cause drama, is overly jealous, clingy, gives him hell and treats him like shit, he gives her the ring and takes her home to mama. What gives? 

Please enlighten me as well as other women who would be wondering.

Monday Bug

Don't you just hate it when you fall asleep, take a HARD afternoon nap, so hard in fact that you wake up unsure what time or day it is? It happened to me yesterday. I was watching t.v., tired from the non-quality sleep I had gotten the previous two nights, and I woke up at 6:30, thinking "Oh, crap I gotta get moving, I'm gonna be late for work." Then my mind said, 'No, Jax it is Sunday!!', and I said, "Oh!!! Sunday morning, cool, I still have the entire day." and my mind replied, 'No, Jax it's 6:30 p.m., Sunday evening. WTF is wrong with you??'  I just sighed and said, "I'm not sure, but okay then... at least I still have some weekend left."

So I sat up, cleared my head, and prepared for my usual Sunday evening of watching "The Walking Dead" (or whichever other show is actively in season, kind of a tradition) with a friend of mine. All day long, I had thought about going to see "The Best Man Holiday". I looked up the times and locations at least 3-4 times throughout the day, and just couldn't find it worthy of my energy to gather myself together and go... I do go and take myself to a movie every once in a while, just on my own because it's peaceful, and it also keeps me comfortable spending time with myself, a thing I have made important in my life now.

So instead, my friend and I watched our show(s), had a nice visit and then I probably got back into bed about 2 a.m., which led up to the ACTUAL and official 'Monday morning' that I woke up Sunday afternoon in apprehension of, and decided to Let It Be... :)

No matter, we can all drink a case of the Mondays, although bitter in taste, and still be sober I think. Besides if I can't get everything done on Monday, I have seven other days in the week to get it all finished, right?

Man-eMotion

Men... I can't lie, I love em. I have been "boy crazy" ever since I can remember. I had my first boyfriend in Kindergarten. "Little Larry" he was called, of course it didn't really matter back then since we were only five years old. Unfortunately, I had to break his heart when we got to first grade because I grew taller than him, and in my mind, that wasn't acceptable.


What puzzles me, however (and maybe women as a whole) is how Men handle emotions. We are all raised to believe that men don't have emotions, or certainly they don't handle them well, and they rarely if ever show them. So this leaves us gals frustrated at times, wondering how much we have to act or "Think Like A Man" to stand any sort of a chance.

The good news is, I don't totally buy into the hype. I don't put all men in one big box and label them 'emotionally stunted' or 'damaged goods'. We are all different, we've been through different experiences and grown up in different environments, which when combined with our genetics boils up into its very own unique formula, making us all quite amazing and diverse creatures (men and women).

I believe you guys do guard your feelings and I believe that you are very cautious in showing them or actually putting yourself out there and BEING vulnerable, but I believe that you do have feelings and emotions, just that you express them, and handle them a lot differently than us (women). It is stated in many articles and such, that men express their feelings and show their love way more through "Actions", not words... I want to learn more. Guys take this opportunity to express yourselves... Please. Inquiring minds want to know. ;-)

Life Cubed

We strive to grow up, become individuals with our own unique sense of humor and creativity, and as human beings always seem to go from the frying pan into the fire (so-to-speak).

It's funny how when we are children, we are at our most creative selves, but we are stifled then by our parents/authority figures, telling us how to think, what's appropriate, having our vast, open minds zipped up and shut down by people who are supposed to be teaching us how to tolerate, survive in, and "improve" the world we live in. So we grow, and learn, and if some of us are lucky enough, we can take on the task of thinking for ourselves, find out things through life experiences, and refusing to fall in line and do what is expected or deemed 'right' by the masses. We can choose to go our own way, and hopefully ascend to a higher truth than the sheep of the world.

We're rolling along so great, marching to the beat of our own drum when somewhere, somehow, we take a wrong turn at Albuquerque and we end up having all of our insanely creative molecules contained in a little 3-4 wall 'home away from home' called a "Cubicle".

Oh, so cozy.

Some are worse than others, some have high walls and you can get a bit of peace and quiet if you happen to be positioned in a corner over by the wall, but then there are cubes like mine, right on the corner of a grid next to the walk way and caddy-cornered to the busy conference room where all of the loud meetings are held by higher-ups with no apparent knowledge of an "Inside Voice". It also seems that when we are housed in a cubicle environment, others can no longer pick up a phone receiver and have a private conversation, but perpetually function on 'conference call mode'. The height of distraction.

There are many more perks to being squared off, such as the 'Whack-a-Mole' effect, everyone stands up and looks at one another, shouting over the cubicle wall, up and down taking on the appearance of the Whack-a-Mole game. People will just walk up and interrupt you whether you are busy, trying to focus in the middle of a very tedious moment or not, or have loud conversations standing behind you while you, yourself happen to be desperately trying to have a phone conversation with a client. There is no peace. One of my hugest pet peeves about Livin La Vida Cubuloso is that people who pass by your station, always have to make eye contact, so you feel forced to make the eye contact back and smile, perhaps make a quick quip about the weather, which would be fine if the same person didn't 'look and smile' every time they pass by, and that can be up to 150 times in a given work day.

So what do you do? Find yourself with ear blisters from holding the receiver under your neck executing 'fake phone calls' to avoid certain interactions, and escape bathroom visits to hide from possible "Asperger Syndrome sufferers". It can be very emotionally and mentally draining. Oh but the bills stack up, and we must keep paying them. Unless a lotto ticket hits, or we are one of those lucky people to invent something, or start our own venture and form our very own ant farm of cubed inhabitants, what is the alternative? Slaves to the grind, we'll be.

Kudos to you, if you're one of the lucky ones who hasn't developed 'corners' on your normally soft, ambiguous body design... but for the rest of us sharp-edged minions, there's at least the occasional funny cat video or weekly web trend to keep us warm.

Curl Up and Dye

While waiting for a friend of mine, I have taken the time to refresh my hair color tonight, and play a bit of dress up. I'm not quite sure how it will turn out, but heck this is me we're talking about... Gotta land somewhere between wicked and awesome.

My rage comes from the fact that I can't seem to keep my hair the shade of red that I want, and although I am naturally reddish/strawberry blonde haired, I like it to be brilliant and remarkable in shade. So I play around trying to get the color I prefer to have.

 So I am sitting here, in the nude while my hair develops and then I will rinse, lather and primp up just for fun... Later I will watch "American Horror Story", and then hopefully my friend will come by and give an opinion on the cosplay. :)

Not bad for a Wednesday night, iffin it works out as I have planned and hope. As you know there are only two things are necessary to keep a redhead happy, one is for her to think she's having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

Where Is My Mind?

It feels rather nice to get back into, well, these attempts at blogging again. I find myself so impossibly lazy in all areas of my life, especially my creative endeavors. I am not sure why, but something MUST be done about it, I am in dire need of a muse, and a sympathetic gift of energy from the Universe and stet.

Have any of you guys experienced just extreme cases of non-motivation? How do you overcome it? I need to get the spark back for so many things... I'm desperate to ascend to greater heights. Yes, something's gotta give for sure.

If I were to try to put my finger on where my mind actually stays most of the time, well I probably couldn't really detail it all. It tends to race with so many things, romance, sexy time, clutter, the desire to organize said clutter, desperate wishes to move far, far away from here, music, art, things I feel like accomplishing in a given day but instead lose productivity to some comfort movie or a nap... I am really ready to make an improvement to my lifestyle and my overall well-being.

It's Tuesday, here, and it already feels like Friday, and all I can wonder is... really...




With your feet in the air 
and your head on the ground 
Try this trick and spin it, 
yeah Your head will collapse 
If there's nothing in it.  
And you'll ask yourself...
Where is my mind?

Home is Such a Long Time Away

“...the dark ancestral cave, the womb from which mankind emerged into the light, forever pulls one back - but...you can't go home again...you can't go...back home to the escapes of Time and Memory. You Can't Go Home Again” ― Thomas Wolfe

Have you ever longed to go home? Only, you realize that you are longing for a "Home" impossible to get back to, even though you have traveled the road there a million times? It's etched in your memory, and you can see it so clearly as if you had merely driven into town to run a few errands, came back thirty minutes later, and it was all burned to the ground... a shell of the place you felt so safe growing up, thinking your heart would live there forever, even if you did not. You think that it's okay, we all grow up and leave these places, but you will visit a lot, you'll come back and get your soul refreshed, and you've all the time in the world, because you think Home will always be there for you, waiting for its child to return... but when you do come back, it's nowhere to be found. You feel orphaned.

It's like in "It's a Wonderful Life" when the angel shows George Bailey how the world would be if he'd never existed, and he goes around and recognizes places, but they're not the same places, and nobody knows him. He gets to go back, though. I don't. I don't feel like I belong any place anymore. My Mom's house (my childhood home) is like an empty box with just the same outside, only old now. I don't rest well when I visit like I used to, not since things have changed and my Dad is gone. My marital house feels like a dark, lifeless cave sometimes since my divorce, unless I have visitors, and then it brightens for a short while, then the lights go back down.

Then I am lying alone in the dim light of comfort movies, comedies and music that keeps me going, and I just can't help but look at myself in the mirror, and wonder who is this girl staring back at me, though she still looks nineteen, feels and seems nineteen, she has this "far away" look in her eye that she never had back then. It's like you can see a millennium of hurt and disappointment in the now dull shine behind the green tint of those eyes... and she's singing, very faint and low, and still trying to find some way back Home.

Life in All Its Uncertainty

Ran across this and thought it expressed nice points. I felt like it was a good share.

Hard to Explain

It's nobody's fault, things like this just happen sometimes, Even though neither intended to, it's just a human thing. When that happens, the unexpected, what can one do except to close eyes, cross fingers, make bets with oneself, burn up all of the stars and use up all the eyelashes and 11:11's wishing, hoping that it just might be a good thing, just might be accepted, perhaps mirrored. Even when every bone in your body shakes with fear and hesitation, and you wish you could erase what threatens to break you open once again, but you can't... It can only be given breath to whisper the truth. Once that happens, and again it can't really be helped, all you can do is grab onto something and hope you've not won "fool of the year" once again. Then, you let the Soul in and allow it to do what it does best, that is: hope against hope.

No, this can't be stopped. These things happen, what can we do except smile as if the outcome doesn't matter? Because it always does... We're just so used to it coming out wrong. I don't know why it has to be like that.

Note** It's been another significant gap, but I believe I am ready to try this again. More updates to come very shortly, we've got some catching up to do.